Being a “Difficult Person”.
We live in a world where there are expectations about how we should socialize, respond, behave, and act, we don’t have to follow them blindly.
Since I can remember, the world has told me in different ways how difficult it is for me to behave and relate. Since I was a child, I was bombarded with all kinds of comments: “Are you angry? Why don’t you laugh? Why don’t you have more friends? Why don’t you go out more?” or statements like: “You’re a hermit, you’re cold, you don’t have fun.” This insistence, persistence, and judgment made me believe that there was something wrong with me, that I had attitude or behavioral problems.
As I grew up, things didn’t improve. There was the same level of pressure about being a difficult person, with slightly different comments: “You’re very direct, you say what’s on your mind, you think you always have the absolute truth, you’re arrogant, you’re antisocial, you’re too intense,” and many more.
At the same time, I grew up in a positive context but without close friendships from the ages of 12 to 20, which led to a great lack of social dynamics and experiences that made me feel even weirder, more isolated, and stranger.
From the age of 21, I focused on understanding myself, getting to know myself, and trying to answer why I was like that. I came across three reflections that changed my perception of the whole issue and helped me evolve to a different place.
1. Social expectations.
There are a series of norms that people assume and require to deal with their own shortcomings, teachings, and customs. These norms, contrary to what is believed, are not the only way to communicate and represent kindness, nobility, respect, or empathy. However, in most cases, it is assumed that they are, and that has two consequences. The first is that not conforming to those customs is deeply assumed as negative, and the second is that if you do conform to them, the awareness of congruence disappears with actions, which is where things are actually built.
Let’s think about wanting to be grateful for a situation. One part is saying “thank you very much,” and congruence lies in how you show gratitude through actions. These customs include idiosyncrasies such as not expressing if you didn’t like something, minimizing something that bothered you to say it in a “polite” way, and being considered “rude” if you don’t want to go somewhere. And that “makes you an even more difficult person.”
2. The reality of others.
Because these customs are the “status quo” of interactions, those who do not follow them are surely considered stubborn, arrogant, pretentious, antisocial, or think highly of themselves, etc. It’s incredible how easy it becomes to judge and assign blame and responsibilities when something “we don’t like” happens, instead of trying to understand it.
3. Trying to see what we don’t see.
In this journey of self-discovery and understanding, I soon came across a term I hadn’t heard before: Autism Spectrum Disorders. Contrary to popular belief, autism is not black or white but different shades of gray within its characteristics and peculiarities.
Autism spectrum disorder is a brain development disorder that affects the way a person perceives and socializes with others, causing problems in social interaction and communication. The disorder also involves restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior. The term “spectrum” in autism spectrum disorder refers to a wide range of symptoms and severity.
Within this spectrum, there is a section defined as Asperger’s, which is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction and non-verbal communication, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests.
For many years, although it is no longer diagnosed as such, I felt that I had it, and the more I studied, conducted diagnoses and delved deeper, it became clear to me that on a certain level, I experienced it every day. What does this mean?
Without going into much detail, it means that it is necessary to learn how to socialize, which for many people comes naturally, but for someone on the spectrum, it requires significant effort in terms of concentration, attitude, enthusiasm, and energy.
Think of a person who runs marathons, someone who has been running their whole life, with perfectly exercised muscles, and everything else (technique, speed, physical condition) comes naturally and unconsciously to their practice. Now imagine that you start running with that person, someone who is not a marathon runner and doesn’t usually run. What do you think will happen? If the other person assumes and expects you to run in the same way and with the same ability, they might tell you that you’re slow, that you run poorly, that your technique is lacking, and that you don’t have enough stamina.
Does that person sound kind, empathetic, or compassionate to you? Furthermore, does it seem like you are not kind because you don’t run the way that person expects?
For people who are somewhere on the spectrum, especially those with Asperger’s tendencies, that’s what happens to us and that’s what we feel.
Every time we hear, “Why aren’t you laughing? Why don’t you have more friends? Why don’t you go out more?” or when it is asserted, “You’re a total hermit, you’re cold, you’re not having fun, you’re too direct, you always think you’re right, you’re arrogant, you’re antisocial, you’re too intense,” our mental response is, “I am learning to run a little better every day, and I am also considering whether I want to run so much and in what way.”
Conclusions
I don’t think that being a person who doesn’t react as others expect makes me difficult. I believe that many social agreements are false, or ways to avoid dealing with our feelings or emotions and that questioning them is enriching for everyone.
I’m not talking about justifying myself, I often make mistakes, but not from a place of arrogance or conceit, but from a place of neutral communication that lacks the intention to fulfill others’ agreements and expectations.
I don’t feel that I know more than others, I don’t assume what is right or wrong; I simply have a strong belief in expressing things as clearly as possible. I believe that in this journey of “learning to be social,” I love showing enthusiasm, I love thinking that everything will turn out well, that things always happen, and that communication is never superfluous.
Part of this condition is the lack of regulation when it comes to communicating with others.
For example, for me, finding someone with whom I can connect is incredible, it happens very rarely, and that creates a lot of enthusiasm, emotion, and action. And no, it doesn’t mean that I idealize, that I’m in love, or that I’m infatuated. It means that I value that connection greatly and it makes me happy in the present moment.
If you know me or someone else and thinks it’s a difficult person, I invite you to read more about Asperger’s conditions and what they entail in daily life.
YOU CAN FIND THE CHARACTERISTICS OF PEOPLE WITH ASPERGER’S HERE.
On more than one occasion, after a misunderstanding, I have had to comment on this, and invariably I receive the same response:
“Oh, you should have told me earlier!”
And the answer is, NO, I wouldn’t have to tell you, when what we need is much more respect for decisions and individualities; and to assign responsibilities where they should be.
Someone who was verbally abused as a child doesn’t “have to say it” so that someone else won’t yell at them, and someone who left an emotionally manipulative relationship doesn’t “have to say it” so they won’t be manipulated again. Let’s be respectful of others’ ways. If they have fun, respond, comment, or act as you expect, it doesn’t mean anything. If there’s something we do that you don’t like, that bothers you, or offends you, please say it, because I can assure you that in 99% of cases, it’s not our intention, but rather a lack of ability, and we want to do something about it.
If you have gone through or are going through something similar, be kind to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you. Just because the majority believes something doesn’t mean it’s right.
